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'Downton Abbey' Officially Ending While Maggie Smith Is Still Around


The popular British series Rich, Boring White People and These Other White People Who Are Like Their Slaves, I Guess is drawing to a close. Carnival Films, ITV, and RBWPaTOWPWALTSIG creator Julian Fellowes today announced that the coming sixth season will be its final, executive producer Gareth Neame saying, "We can promise a final season full of all the usual drama and intrigue, but with the added excitement of discovering how and where they all end up." And as fans know, where they all end up will, of course, be dead or somehow in jail because of more murder charges.

'Star Wars: Rogue One' Has a Second Cast Member


Ben Mendelsohn is being shipped off to fight in yet another of America's various Star Wars. According to Deadline, the Exodus: Gods And Kings actor--who you can now see more prominently in Netflix's Bloodline--is joining Felicity Jones in the cast of Rogue One, Disney's first Star Wars spin-off film. Godzilla's Gareth Edwards is directing the film, but further details are still not known. He'd be good as "guy squatting in Uncle Owen's burned-out dome house" though, wouldn't he?

'Fifty Shades of Grey' Director Freed from Bonds of Doing More of This Crap


Like so many moms realizing dad is just not investing himself in the role, Sam Taylor-Johnson is through staging the bondage of Fifty Shades of Grey after just one go. Despite turning the adaptation into what's already a more than a half-a-billion-dollar softcore, the director today announced that she won't return for the sequels. There were substantiated rumors that there were disputes between her and author E.L. James during production, but Taylor-Johnson doesn't mention those in her statement, in which she "wish[es] nothing but success to whosoever takes on the exciting challenges of films two and three." Sadly, those hoping for a unified vision of the trilogy will just have to settle for the cohesion of whatever fluids have been left in the theater seats.

Drink the Sour Milk of an 'Alien Nation' Remake


20th Century Fox is developing a remake of Alien Nation, the film that gave us casual racism between buddy cops in the days before Rush Hour and that thing with Jay Leno and Pat Morita. THR reports that Iron Man writers Art Marcum and Matt Holloway are attached to re-imagine the tale, which still stands as 1988's greatest pun for "alienation."

The original starred Mandy Patinkin as the first alien "newcomer" to join the police force, with James Caan playing his partner who hated these aliens here taking all our jobs. Also, the "newcomers" got drunk on spoiled milk for some reason.

It was, pretty plainly, an extremely on-the-nose allegory about actual race relations, but the remake will be modernized to now more subtilely ask the question, "How is this not the '80s alien film Neill Blomkamp is updating?"

Yet Another 'Lego Movie' Spinoff Coming from Jason Segel and 'Iron Man 3' Writer


Well, looks like Warner Bros. really bought into the Lego Movie decree to let everyone have some playtime in their Lego bin. With Chris McKay off doing a Lego Batman movie, director Charlie Bean playing with Lego ninjas, and Rob Schrab assembling the Lego Movie sequel, the studio has now given another piece from their vast set to Iron Man 3 writer Drew Pearce and Muppets resurrector Jason Segel. THR reports that the unlikely duo are teaming up to write and co-direct yet another Lego spin-off based on a pitch from Pearce. Plot details aren't yet known, but the title is The Billion Brick Race. So, presumably, it's either like Cannonball Run or this is the super depressing Lego movie that tackles yellow privilege, racism, and their relation to Bad Cop killing an unarmed minifig.

Spielberg To Direct '80s Virtual Reality of 'Ready Player One' Adaptation


One of the main content creators of '80s pop culture memories will now revisit those creations in virtual reality, because WELCOME TO THE FUTURE. According to Deadline, Steven Spielberg (War Horse) will follow up his BFG adaptation with an adaptation of Ready Player One. Written by Ernest Cline, the novel is yet another tale of a teenager in a dystopian future. This one, though, also has a cool virtual reality world where, if you find the hidden Easter egg, you get the fortune of the world's inventor--but that means first solving various puzzles that are built around 1980s pop culture references. Truly, there is no more real, more horrific dystopian future than the one where we still can't drop the '80s nostalgia shit.

Watch Stallone Murder People for Half an Hour


It was just yesterday that we saw Tom Hanks, America's fun dad, take part in a goofy, jovial career retrospective. Now, here's the antithesis of that: a career retrospective of every time someone was murdered at the hands of Sylvester Stallone, America's veins. It takes over half an hour, because there are 539 kills to get through. You'd better get started.

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The X-Men Have Another New Jubilee


Director Bryan Singer has found his latest actress to play Jubilee, the X-Men member cursed with the mutant ability to never really enjoy the magic of fireworks like the rest of us do. Previously portrayed by Katrina Florence and later Kea Wong, Jubilee will now, as announced by Singer, be played by newcomer Lana Condor in X-Men: Apocalypse. It will be the first time someone playing "Jubilation Lee" comes with a name somehow already more superhero-like than that.