Magic 8-Ball Movie Will Most Likely Be Awful

April 28, 2010

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We've got movies based on Stretch Armstrong, Battleship, and Ouija Boards coming out; might as well make a Magic 8-Ball movie, right?

According to Vulture, that impeccable logic has led Paramount and Mattel to hire writers Jon Gunn and John Mann to throw together a script about the prophetic novelty item. Once envisioned as a romantic comedy when it was in the hands of Paramount, the film will now spare us the split-screen image of Drew Barrymore and Bradley Cooper vigorously shaking an orb to find out if they're truly in love with each other (in the end, it turns out the love was in their hearts, not some plastic ball), as it's now being approached as a "National Treasure–style action-adventure."

I can already imagine Brendan Fraser squeezing the mystical 8-ball as he attempts to "concentrate and ask again," his eyes squinting to decipher its message in the dim light of the lava lamp besides him, his chest adorned with an "Over the Hill!" t-shirt, a poster of a large-breasted woman with the title "Got Milk?" hanging beside him. (I just figure if they're going to make a movie about Magic 8-Ball, they might as well make it accurate and set the whole thing in a mall Spencer's Gifts.)

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