The Walt Disney Company's plan to turn all of their theme park rides into associated film projects continues, with the studio today hiring a writer to adapt Disneyland's Matterhorn ride into a movie that I'm told will be both "thrilling" and "fast-paced." Aren't those words exciting you already?
First opened in 1959 as a toboggan-themed roller coaster tribute to the Swiss Alps, the Matterhorn was updated in 1978 with the addition of some animatronic yetis; apparently that's going to be the bit the film clings to, with screenwriter Jason Dean Hall hired to work on a script "centering on five young adventure seekers who, for mysterious reasons, are called to the top of the mountain and encounter a Yetis on the journey down." (Encountering a Yetis on the way up would, naturally, leave you with a hollow third act.) Hall's only prior writing credit is on Spread--a largely ignored Ashton Kutcher film that was basically one of his Nikon commercials stretched to an hour-and-a-half and aptly earned only $250 thousand domestically--so it's obvious why he was selected for the job. No need to get into it.
The Matterhorn now joins Pirates of the Caribbean, the Enchanted Tiki Room, the Haunted Mansion, and the entirety of the Magic Kingdom in Disney's vast ride-to-movie game plan. Movies driving interest in amusement parks! Amusement parks driving interest in movies! Movies and amusement parks driving interest in t-shirts, lunchboxes, etc.! Corporate synergy! Dollar signs! Truly, the only way the Disney brand could be spread any thinner and made easier to digest is if it were diluted into a soupy broth. Oh, hey, there's that, too.