The Twilight film saga is over, but fear not, fans of controlling romance, for from the seeds of glitter it scattered are springing new, smuttier franchises for moms to masturbate to.
Fifty Shades of Grey famously began as Twilight fan-fiction before becoming such a popular BDSM manual, leading to its development into a feature film, and now the same path is being cut for a new Twilight-based piece of erotica titled Beautiful Bastard. Like Grey, the book in its revised form bears little resemblance to its inspiration, trading out vampires for the supernatural intrigue of businessmen, and dropping all that chaste stuff for some vivid descriptions of the kinky sex your father has not been providing your mother, forcing her to find it in Twilight fan-fic. It just came out yesterday, but already Constantin Film has acquired the movie rights, with Resident Evil producer Jeremy Bolt attached to bring his vast knowledge of lazily trading out faithfulness for sex appeal.
Beautiful Bastard--originally called The Office before it cut ties to Twilight and executive producer Ricky Gervais--centers on MBA student Chloe Mills, an intern at a media conglomerate where a SEXY DUDE has just returned from France to become her boss in his family's business. The two proceed to totally do it, continuing 50 Shades of Grey's trend of making businessman-fucking scenarios the inevitable dog turds to Twilight's Alpo: the steamier, grosser digested output of something that already stunk to begin with. And now someone is hastily picking it up.