Remember the days when a thriller starring Robert De Niro and John Cusack would have seemed like a real movie? Well, here's just such a thriller, and at this point in their careers, the most intriguing thing about it is the lack of a 50 Cent appearance.
In a bizarre, unnecessary MacGuffin justification, De Niro explains the film's premise through a prolonged metaphor involving meat, broccoli, and a fingerling potato. The gist of it is that he'll pay Cusack to go get a bag to bring it back to him, but of course there's a catch: for some reason, Cusack will also have to check-in at a hotel, negotiate with Crispin Glover, and "have some play-dates with the locals." One of these locals is a sexy stripper dressed like NBC's attempt at a Wonder Woman. The rest are corrupt cops and a diverse group of disconnected bald guys, ranging from Pirates dwarf Martin Klebba to a guy doing Nick Fury cosplay. And it turns out they all have some desire for this bag we're supposed to care about. Then De Niro devolves into a gentle woodland creature, dismayed by all the lights and sounds of the suburban sprawl.
In short, though it's hard to sort out this trailer's byzantine flurry of betrayals, it would seem that things do not go very smoothly for Bag Cusack. To think it all seemed so simple back when De Niro was for some reason describing the plot as an airplane meal.