Comcast Acquires Time Warner Cable in Massive Merger of Dissatisfied Customers

February 13, 2014


Comcast today announced that they've acquired Time Warner Cable and will merge the companies to become the nation's largest collection of hateful, hopeless customers who really wish they could get Google Fiber, or at least FiOS or something. According to Comcast's official statement, the deal was a "friendly" transaction between the friendly corporations ranked 2 and 3 as the most frustrating friends to deal with, a stock-for-stock transaction amounting to approximately $45.2 billion and roughly six months discounted HBO.

"This combination creates a company that delivers maximum value for our shareholders, enormous opportunities for our employees and a superior experience for our customers," said Time Warner Cable CEO Robert D. Marcus of how great this will be for everyone. "We're excited to be part of delivering all of the possibilities of cable's superior broadband networks to more American consumers." And now all those possibilities will somehow be even lesser, even though you already only had one or two options for cable in your area.

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