October 18, 2005
I wish I was making this up, but Sylvester Stallone is set to star in a sixth Rocky movie, despite being a billion years old.
Stallone told the Daily Variety trade magazine the movie will focus on an aging, widowed Rocky who is reluctant to get back in the ring but ends up doing it "just to compete, not to win." "I am drawing on a lot of my feelings that are in sync with many people's feelings about facing the last chapter of their lives and how they want it to be written," Stallone said.
I think in this one, Rocky loses his old-person medication and then has to enter an underground boxing tournament to win pill money. I don't want to ruin anything, but let's just say that at the end of the movie Rocky has a heart attack and is declared 1 billion years old by a doctor.
During a taping of Ellen, Charlize Theron started talking about her boyfriend Stuart Townsend and began to jump on the couch in a Tom Cruise imitation. This could have been funny three months ago when it was relevant, but it's a bit late for any sort of couch jumping to topical. At least she's hot enough to melt my penis. That usually makes up for when women are idiots.
1. The Fog - $11.8 million ($11.8)
I don't think anybody could have predicted this. Considering it looks like it has no plot and the guy from Smallville is in it, there's really no reason that this should have been number one. I would have said number 8 tops, but that's just me.
2. Wallace & Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit - $11.5 million ($33.1)
Those crazy clay characters sure are chugging away. And so is my awesome use of alliteration.
3. Elizabethtown - $10.6 million ($10.6)
Kirsten Dunst is a decent actress but painfully ugly to look at. I'm not sure I could sit through another one of her movies, having to stare at that horrible mouth of hers.
Genndy Tartakovsky, the guy behind Star Wars: Clone Wars and Samurai Jack has signed up with Orphange Animation Studios to put together five feature films produced in the $50 million-$75 million range.
Although best known as a visual effects boutique, the Orphanage plans to open a completely new animation facility with a separate production pipeline. Its plan is to produce its first feature animated film by late 2007 or early '08, though that date is subject to Tartakovsky and the Orphanage finding a studio partner to release the film.
When the man behind the Star Wars: Clone Wars micro series is given $50 million to put together an actual movie, you can be pretty damn sure it'll be awesome. And not run of the mill awesome, but so awesome your eyeballs will literally catch fire. I don't know how, but it's going to happen. Trust me. I'm an expert when it comes to eyeballs catching on fire.
1. Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit - $16.1 million
I'm a fan of the films, but the thought of a full length feature film seems tedious. Plus British humor doesn't really sit right with me anymore.
2. Flightplan - $10.8 million
Highly regarded as a terrible movie, this crazy sunuvatich movie is still making oodles of money. If anybody has an explanation, feel free to let me know. No wait, scratch that. I don't care.
3. In Her Shoes - $10 million
Cameron Diaz in a bikini always means good business. It's amazing how many people out there enjoy seeing skinny pig-faces in their bikinis.
4. Two for the Money - $8.4 million
Three for the plants, baby. Three for the plants.
5. The Gospel - $8 million
What the fuck is this? Not only have I heard nothing about it, I still don't even know what the fuck it is. The fact that this could do better than Serenity and A History of Violence and I have no clue what it is just goes to show you how qualified I really am for this job.
Research by Online Testing eXchange explained that the recent slump at box offices was because less people were watching movies. Well that was money well spent, huh?
Males under 25 years-old, a core movie audience, saw fewer films this past summer but watched more DVDs, played more video games and surfed the Web more often than previously, according to a study released on Monday. This past summer, ticket revenues fell to $3.62 billion, their lowest level since 2001 and the estimated number of tickets sold -- 541 million -- was the lowest level since 1997, according to box office tracker Exhibitor Relations.
Yes, good job. Brilliant research. These folks spent oodles of money to figure out that the slump in movie sales was because people were watching less movies. I'll save these guys $50k and just go ahead and tell them that TV viewership also falls when people don't watch TV. Coincidence? I think maybe.