Oct 9 2008Here's Another 'Max Payne' Poster

Max Payne opens in a week, but in case you hadn't picked that up from the previous five posters, here's another one to remind you. Clever photoshopping guns in Mark Wahlberg's hands to mask the actor's actual hopelessness. If we could see his limp, open palms, it would be way too obvious that this is the exact moment he gave up.

Max Payne Poster [Trailer Addict]

Oct 9 2008'Bedtime Stories' Poster is Rich with Sandler

I'm sorry, Bedtime Stories, but this poster asks a more dire question than "what if the stories you told came to life?" How about "what if the stories you told came to life, and for some reason all involved various historical interpretations of Adam Sandler?" Then what? Forget that your stories are coming to life; why do all of your stories involve Chariot Driver Adam Sandler, or Cowboy Adam Sandler, or Knight Adam Sandler? What is wrong with your brain that you would think such things? And now, since you kept telling those Adam Sandler stories, and because they keep coming to life, you've brought like ten or twenty Adam Sandlers into our world, and now we've had to stop production on every other movie we were making just to devote all of our resources to making enough bland comedies to provide roles for all these Sandlers, and someone else who has the power to bring stories to life (Brendan Fraser?) has had to start telling equivalent Rob Schneider stories just so that there are enough Rob Schneiders to have minor supporting roles in all these Adam Sandler movies. That's the movie I want to see.

Bedtimes Stories Poster [IMPA]

Oct 9 2008Ryan Gosling Could Be Green Lantern

Latino Review is reporting that Ryan Gosling, the man who beat your heart senseless with romance in The Notebook (I think, since I never saw The Notebook), is Warner's first choice to wear a green ring and pretend to be a superhero:

You know who the studio wants to wear Abin Sur’s ring and take up the mantle of The Green Lantern?

From my trusted source within the WB, I’m hearing… RYAN GOSLING

Mind you, I don’t know if an offer has been made, and if WB is into it now with Ryan’s people, but once again Gosling is who I’m hearing the WB wants for Hal Jordan.

Well, I guess that shoots down my theory that they'd get a '90s Jim Carrey for the role and just remake The Mask with a green ring instead of a mask. But maybe they'll still get Jaime Kennedy for the sequel? We can always dream.

Oct 8 2008Coming Soon... Denzel Washington is Trapped in 'The Matarese Circle'

David Cronenberg is negotiating with MGM to direct an adaptation of the Robert Ludlum political thriller The Matarese Circle, with Denzel Washington attached to star as a bad-ass running around with a handgun, as usual. From Variety:

Set against the backdrop of the Cold War, book revolves around two men — one American, one Soviet — who must cooperate in order to foil a sinister plot to topple the world’s governments.

Writing partners Michael Brandt and Derek Haas ("3:10 to Yuma") penned the adaptation.

Come on, The Matarese Circle? That's the name? That's the most typically political thriller-like name ever. That's not even trying anymore; it's just putting words together. The, uh... Peking Condition. That's a political thriller now. Someone write that. The Melbourne Synopsis. That's another one. "Denzel Washington, I need a summary of what happened in Australia. You must get me the Melbourne Synopsis." "OK, let me get my handgun."

Looking back at The Peanut Butter Solution, I'm not sure why that was about a magical hair-growth concoction instead of corruption and espionage in a politically-charged elementary school cafeteria.

Oct 8 2008'Tom Thumb' Is Going To Be a Movie

Following the success of The Dark Knight and Iron Man, directors and studios are scrambling to pick up whatever remaining comic franchises they can get their hands on. But not Enchanted director Kevin Lima. He's not going to be fooled by the buzz. He knows what's really hot right now, and that is childish, sixteenth century English folklore. So he's directing Tom Thumb, the tale of a 6-inch-tall knight (above, fucking a butterfly), written, strangely, by the writer of Saving Private Ryan.

Warner Bros. and Red Wagon have lined up Kevin Lima ("Enchanted") to direct "Tom Thumb," a live-action take on the origins of the tiny character.

Red Wagon toppers Doug Wick and Lucy Fisher will produce, with Chris Chase exec producing.

Story, penned by Robert Rodat ("Saving Private Ryan"), is centered on an arrogant knight who's shrunk to 6 inches while assigned to protect a princess and then discovers what it means to be a real hero.

So being a real hero means practicing macrophilia? I always suspected as much, but I'm glad someone is saying it with a movie.

WB, Red Wagon developing 'Thumb' [Variety]

Oct 8 2008All Those Batman Rumors MIGHT Not Be Accurate

Dark Knight screenwriter David Goyer recently spoke to MTV about all the rumors of casting, story, and the involvement of Christopher Nolan circling the next Batman movie. Basically (literally) he says it's all bullshit:

Whether it’s that Chris Nolan has signed on, and will start pre-production early next year, or that Johnny Depp and Philip Seymour Hoffman will play the villains, or that Cher (Cher!) is lining up to wear Catwoman’s claws, there’s one thing that each and every supposed scoop has in common, “Batman Begins” and “Dark Knight” storyman David Goyer told MTV News:

“It’s all B.S.,” he said. “ALL of it.”

That means, no, Nolan has not signed on (yet). No, there is no casting, let alone TALK, of villains, and, no, nobody is certain to return.

“Chris and I haven’t even talked about it. He quite understandably is taking a long, long vacation and wants to purge himself,” Goyer said.

His choice of words is interesting: "long, long"... " "purge"...

Sounds to me like someone is hinting that they're adapting the Batman comic The Long Halloween into a film with America's Funniest Home Videos' and Dancing with the Stars' Tom Bergeron (berge sounds sort of like purge) as the Riddler. For some reason no other blogs seem to have caught that, but I'm picking up what you're laying down, David Goyer.

Oct 8 2008Punisher Loves Weapon-Based Homemade Craft Projects

Whups, sorry for the sudden post absence over the last 24 hours. I've had some cyber-issues I had to resolve, which I resolved by hoping things would start working again until they did (thus far). I'll try to catch up.

Anyway, from IGN, here's a new poster for Punisher: War Zone. It's Punisher--holding guns! And he's circumscribed by more guns! I know the character's only distinguishing characteristics are a skull logo and gun enthusiasm, but man, this makes him seem like the Scrooge McDuck of projectile weaponry.

Oct 7 2008A Grid Detailing How Money Has Been Flushed Down the Toilet

I was just looking at Box Office Mojo, seeing if Get Smart really made enough to warrant a sequel (sadly, it did), and I noticed a link to the above chart on the front page. Is this depressing to anyone else? Just that Disney alone has made enough talking dog movies to warrant a comparison grid is bad, but seeing exactly how much people have paid into this detestable genre is vomit in my face holes. I mean, just the idea that talking dogs in a movie is not a bizarre anomaly but an entire genre, that's awful. But dogs playing human sports is a separate genre from that! Those are two individual things that, as a society, we've decided we want to see repeatedly. Forget drama, comedy, romance--we don't need them. Let's just find more things for dogs to do unexpectedly. Dogs doing construction? Driving bulldozers, mixing concrete? Have we done that yet? Let's do that then. Then let's make a grid detailing exactly which dog construction movies made the most money, and let's stop making any more entertainment.