Bill Engvall Helps TBS Stay A Crapfest

July 13, 2007

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"Painfully obvious mundane observation, honey." "Yes, dear, quip stolen from Mary Tyler Moore that was snappy 30 years ago." [canned laughter]

Next week is an important time in my life. Besides my little sister's operation - don't ask, the little bitch hogs all the attention as it is - TBS will be premiering The Bill Engvall Show. That's right, the network that brought you America's Funniest Home Videos* reruns and edited movies with ridiculously dubbed profanities like "Yippie kai-yay, Mr. Falcon!" is now giving one of those lame-brained, milquetoast rednecks his own show.

This following their premiere of Tyler Perry's House of Payne, they might as well add NASCAR and rename it the Shit Vince Doesn't Get channel (SVDG). But it makes sense that they'd want to balance out a show that no white people watch with one no black people watch. It's nice to thumb my nose at things and still be able to feel colorblind.

I actually like the videos on AFV, but the commentary in between makes me want to gouge out my eye with a pterodactyl dick bone. Thank god someone figured out how to take all the commentary out and just show the videos, and called it YouTube.

But the other week I was at home channel surfing and came across the Spanish version of AFV, called "Ay Caramba". For whatever reason, at least 20% of the videos somehow involved a ferret. And most of the videos were not what you'd call funny, or even noteworthy. But no matter what the video was of, it got replayed three times in its entirety. One of the videos was, I shit you not, a dog falling asleep. Not like falling asleep and falling of the porch, mind you, or falling asleep and drooling on the baby - just a regular dog, chillin on the floor, nodding off to sleep. And they replayed it three times. The ones that were noteworthy generally were disturbing, rather than funny, like a guy getting hit by a car with "sproing" sound effect dubbed over it. Strange sound effects were sort of par for course, like an old lady falling in the pool with gorilla noises over it. Anyway, check your local listings, it's a trip.

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