'Hellraiser' Remake Rising, Likely from Hell

October 16, 2007

pinhead-hellraiser.jpg

Did you realize that we, as a society, have exhausted all of our scary ideas? There aren't any left. Every form of mask, disfigurement, and way to brutally murder a teenager has been fully described in film, so we're forced to revisit them either through remakes or sequels. That's the only reason I can come up with that they're remaking yet another horror movie, and this time it's Hellraiser.

But if I know movies, and I totally do, they're going to want to "amp up" the extreme excitement of this 1987 bore. Here are my ideas for improving the classic "Pinhead" character, which will hopefully earn me at least a producer credit.

1. More pins. Like a whole lot more. When first seen, the viewer should only perceive a sense of "pin" that eventually, as the movie progresses, seems to move around enough that hints there might be a man underneath. If the actor underneath isn't crying out in pain at the most subtle movements, you need to add more pins.

2. Also, they're safety pins. And he's wearing a Ramones t-shirt.

3. Paler. The original Pinface was basically white-skinned, but I think it could be pushed even further into translucence, such that the organs are visible under the skin. See if Lucy Liu is available. Then again, it shouldn't matter with the sheer number of pins covering the body.

4. On that point, Pinface will no longer make sense as a name. How about "Pineverything"? Or just "Pin".

5. Shots of tailors temporarily taping together garments; clean, unused pin cushions. It's obvious that every pin on earth is stuck in this man, partially because whenever he comes on screen, a subtitle appears that says as much.

Any other ideas?

French duo to remake 'Hellraiser' [Variety]

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