Open Letter to Makers of 'Anaconda' 3 & 4

October 8, 2007

Dear Sony:

I just read you have commissioned two more Anaconda films, replacing all of the original and sequel stars with David Hasselhoff. Why?

Granted, I don't know the people who saw Anaconda and its sequel, Anacondas: The Hunt for the Blood Orchid, but I'll trust you that they exist and paid to see J.Lo fight a large snake. (By the way, did they get the Blood Orchid?) I doubt, however, that these hypothetical people would bother watching the same situation two more times.

More importantly, I think you're misinterpreting the recent popularity of David Hasselhoff. As a member of the coveted 18-35 demographic, I assure you we do not actually equate him with quality products or acting. If that were the case, we would be watching falsely-titled America's Got Talent and Baywatch reruns. Interest in David Hasselhoff is limited to jokes about his singing, bare chest, Knight Rider, and the above video of him drunkenly eating a hamburger. Similarly, we do not want movies with Chuck Norris or that kid who cries for Britney Spears just because they enjoyed a moment of popularity through the internet and novelty t-shirts.

Thank you for your time, and please never make these.

PS: Also, we won't think it's cute if an anaconda is on a plane.

Anaconda 3 and 4 shooting [Moviehole]

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