'Emily the Strange' Movie to be Based on Stickers

May 30, 2008

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Right now, in malls and smoke-filled girls bathrooms across the country, a revolution is forming. It's leader: a sarcastic Joan of Arc, her battle cry of "I Want You (to Leave Me Alone)" rallying adolescent female troops into a mentality of droll disinterest, uniform boredom, and being weird and themselves within the strict guidelines of black apparel. Her name is Emily the Strange, and from her meager beginnings as an image on a sticker, she has risen to become a counterculture icon, her image plastered on anything Hot Topic can think of, the story of her and her army of cats fleshed out across the pages of Dark Horse comics. So, of course, the time has come for a movie:

Counterculture icon Emily the Strange is on the road to the big screen, with Dark Horse Entertainment president Mike Richardson coming on board to produce a feature film that would tell the origin of the gothic figure and her four mysterious cats.

With such an intense fan base built around what was originally just a sticker, producers are sure to be on the look out for what could be the next "big thing" in the sticker world suitable to be turned into a film. This is what I'm predicting we'll get:

Scratch 'n' Sniff - A sticker affixed to an ancient Trapper Keeper reading "Do not scratch" is ignored by a group of scratch-happy teens, releasing the monster known as Scratch 'n' Sniff. One by one, the friends start gruesomely dying, their deaths preceded by a distinct, vaguely-grapey scent. After a couple days, the ominous odor fades away to never return, and the remaining teens feel sort of ripped off.

Hello! My Name Is... - A Bourne-style thriller in which an amnesiac convention speaker forgets his identity.

Red Delicious 4015 - In the year 4015, apples have suddenly and inexplicably ceased to produce new seeds, making the remaining, rotting apples the most valuable resource on earth. That'd be weird, huh?

Gold Star - A film about someone doing a great job.

Silver Star - A film about someone doing an adequate job.

I Gave Blood - Another vampires v. Will Smith movie. Example scene: Smith (also his name in the film) is asleep; we see a vampire slowly approaching him. The vampire opens his mouth, nearing Smith's neck when--what's this???--Smith's eyes snap open. He pulls a hypodermic needle from nowhere (literally, there's no explanation given) and plunges it into the shocked vampire's heart. "No thanks, Dracula. I gave blood."

Make sure to get any I missed in the comments. I Voted: The Movie and Anthropomorphic Tooth Wearing Sunglasses and Holding a Toothbrush are going to be stolen from under us unless we jump on these.

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