Toby Keith's Movie Gets Distribution, Horses Get Beer

June 20, 2008

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Roadside Attractions has acquired distribution rights to Beer for My Horses, the story of two deputies defying the local sheriff to save one of their girlfriends from drug lord kidnappers. Beer for My Horses, eh? That seems like an odd name for a road-trip-cop-thriller; sounds more like a terrible country song. ...Oh:

..."Beer for My Horses," written, produced and starring country singer Toby Keith.

"Beer," which is the same title as his country music single, features co-writer Rodney Carrington, Claire Forlani ("CSI: NY"), guitarist Ted Nugent, and cameos by country icon Willie Nelson and Tom Skerritt.

Naturally, after reading this news I immediately looked up the lyrics to this film-worthy country masterpiece. Spoiler alert! If the film plays out anything like the song, we can look forward two, and only two, powerful themes to be explored in Beer for My Horses!

1) The notion that all criminals, be they ones who "blew up a building" or "stole a car," should be murdered in a mass genocide:

We got too many gangsters doing dirty deeds We’ve got too much corruption, too much crime in the streets It’s time the long arm of the law put a few more in the ground Send ’em all to their maker and he’ll settle ’em down

Take all the rope in Texas
Find a tall oak tree, round up all of them bad boys
Hang them high in the street for all the people to see

2) Keith finally addressing the hillbilly etiquette dilemma of which alcohols to serve to man and which to mounting beast:

whiskey for my men, beer for my horses

Sounds good, Tobes! What else ya got? A music video! In which Toby, another ostensible country-star-cum-bounty-hunter, and Toby's father (Willie Nelson!) catch a serial killer, like one a'them CS 'n' I's:

I hate to admit it, but I sort of like these goateed hicks attempting to be civilized members of society by aping the behavior of heartland-friendly CBS programming. It's almost cute in a misguided, dim-witted redneck way. Makes you want to scratch under their Stetsons and give them a sip of Bud Light for trying so hard.

Maybe this could be good. I mean, let's not forget the powerful genius of Toby's paranoid pro-war anthem, the beautifully jingoist "Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue." That song is the very reason I was encouraged to step out and re-elect Bush four years ago, thus thankfully ensuring further misguided killings of citizens of a culture I don't understand and therefore fear. If merely those lyrics shouted in a thick drawl could give me a murder boner for war abroad, imagine what a MOVIE version of the pro-vigilante justice anthem "Beer For My Horses" will do for this country! Images to go along with your taking-the-law-into-your-own-hands lyrics would really get the message across quicker and to a broader, stupider audience! With any luck, lynch mobs will be enjoying a healthy resurgence by the end of the year.

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