Jonas Brothers Starring in Farting Dog Movie

October 28, 2008

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For the last month, the box office has been dominated largely by half-CGI dogs and, more recently, strained Disney Channel musical acts, so while I can't say this news is a surprise, I can say that it makes me choke back puke:

Fox has locked the Jonas Brothers to make their feature starring debut in "Walter the Farting Dog." Based on a bestselling series of books by William Kotzwinkle and Glenn Murray, the film is being adapted by Alec Sokolow and Joel Cohen into a family film that will revolve around Nick, Joe and Kevin Jonas, as well as their younger brother Frankie.

Phew, thank god you're getting younger brother Frankie involved. Get that kid in on the act before he experiences the desires that your chastity vows deny! He's already eight; why isn't he on my posters??

The title character in the "Walter" books is a fat dog with severe flatulence. The brothers play musicians whose parents are asked to care for the dog by an aunt just before she passes away.

Ahhh, they're playing MUSICIANS--like they actually are! I smell musical numbers! And comic farts! What's an example of how this would play out though?

"By the time they've driven the dog home, everybody's head is out the window of the family station wagon but Frankie, and only because he has a serious sinus problem and doesn't notice the stench coming from Walter."

Hah! Serious medical issue! Classic! All this film needs now is a jewel heist, invoking that weird, specific kids' movie cliché of kids stopping bumbling criminal caricatures.

While his brothers play music, Frankie and the gaseous hound get involved in a plot that involves liberating a koi fish and thwarting jewel thieves.

And you know what else? Peter and Bobby Farrelly are directing. Remember in junior high and high school, after Dumb & Dumber and There's Something About Mary, when you'd say how much you loved those guys? Well, they've since made The Heartbreak Kid, Fever Pitch, Stuck on You, and now Fart Dog, and I think it's time to definitively amend that statement to, "I loved those guys for a brief period in junior high and high school."

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