Ratner (Mostly) Officially Directing Conan

October 17, 2008

conan-poster.jpg

It's sort of official: the rumor that Brett Ratner is directing the new Conan film is true. AICN reports:

Let’s be clear... stop calling [Conan] a remake. They’re not doing the Milius film. They’re starting over from the original stories. So it’s relly wrong to call this thing a remake at all. You won’t be seeing the same story or even the same supporting characters. This is ground zero.

And now it appears to be official that Brett Ratner is directing the goddamn thing.

Oh, brother. Alright, Brett, do your worst. And I mean that. Seriously, do your worst. Making a non-laughable movie about a fictional barbarian would already be a chore for most directors. There's no way you of all people can do it, so really, just make it terrible. Make this the watch ironically while drunk movie of the year. I want joke about name pronunciation ("It's ConAn, not ConIn!"); I want pop culture references ("What do I look like, a talk show host?"); I want exasperated looks at the camera (Conan looking at camera and shrugging); and I want to hear this exchange: "You da man!" "No, I'm the CO-man," says Conan, lowering his sunglasses.

If that rumor about an American Gladiator being up for the lead is true, you're already off to a good start.

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