Bond Girl Has Betrayed Soviet Party

November 21, 2008


The Communist Party of St. Petersburg has expressed outrage at actress Olga Kurylenko for assisting "the killer of of hundreds of Soviet people and their allies." Wait, I'm sorry, that's not right. They're upset that Kuylenko played a movie character who assisted another movie character who has killed Soviet people in movies. From Yahoo:

The Ukrainian actress, who plays a Bolivian secret agent opposite Daniel Craig's 007 in "Quantum Of Solace", has also gained ire of the Communist Party of St. Petersburg, which in an open letter on its website condemned her for aiding "the killer of hundreds of Soviet people and their allies." The group's statement describes 007 as "a man who worked for decades under the orders of Thatcher and Reagan to destroy the USSR."

God, so true. When will Bond be tried for his Cold War crimes? Here's another good point:

Sergei Malenkovich, head of the party's regional organization, further elaborated ... arguing the movie wanted "to show that a Ukrainian girl sleeps with an American. It's a part of information and psychological war." Never mind that Kurylenko's character does not sleep with 007 in the film or that James Bond is, in fact, not American but British.

Whups, time to get a fact checker, Sergei. Or maybe watch the movie. Still, valid points.

Don't worry about the Bond actress, though. Kurylenko's soul is still not beyond saving. She can redeem herself to her people. SO LONG AS SHE BRINGS IN DANIEL CRAIG FOR QUESTIONING!

Her supposed betrayals will be forgiven, the group promised in its statement, if the actress delivers her co-star Craig to the Russian secret service. "Let him tell what other plans are being written in the Pentagon and Hollywood to discredit Russia and drive a wedge between the Russian and Ukrainian peoples."

"We have a few questions for you, Mr. [actor who played] Bond. Will Boris and Natasha ever capture moose and squirrel? Why will Rocky not consent to a rematch with Ivan Draco? That sun-powered guy from Superman IV--that was supposed to be us, right?"

"I don't know, guys. I'm just an actor playing a part."

"No, Mr. Bond, you're... will die!"

Personally, I'm still pissed at the guy who played Boba Fett for playing any role where he would assist Darth Vader. You know how many innocent people that guy killed on Alderaan alone? Actor who played Boba Fett, you're a disgrace to have assisted Vader in the capture of Han Solo. Not to mention sleeping with him.

(Thanks to Justin, who points out, "Playing a Russian hooker in Hitman is apparently an acceptable communist job but an international spy is not.")

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