Golden Globes: Who Won Our Most Valuable Globes?

January 12, 2009

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How about those Golden Globes, eh? Awards, movie makers, people wearing special clothes--what more could you want, besides maybe something that isn't completely masturbatory?

In case you had a hard time making out some of the winners through your non-stop laughter and tears, here's the re-cap (winners marked in bold):

BEST MOVIE - DRAMA (I.E. BEST WHAT WE CONSIDER A REAL MOVIE)
The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
Frost/Nixon
The Reader
Revolutionary Road
Slumdog Millionaire

I think Pariah or No Deal was robbed, but still, not a bad selection.

BEST LADY-ACTOR IN A DRAMATIC THING
Anne Hathaway - Rachel Getting Married
Angelina Jolie – Changeling
Meryl Streep – Doubt
Kristin Scott Thomas – I've Loved You So Long
Kate Winslet – Revolutionary Road

Winslet picked up the only award for Revolutionary Road, with the film losing in the categories of Best Actor in a Drama, Best Director, Best Dramatic Picture, and Best Road.

BEST ACTOR IN THE STYLE OF DRAMA
Leonardo DiCaprio – Revolutionary Road
Frank Langella – Frost/Nixon
Sean Penn – Milk
Brad Pitt – The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button
Mickey Rourke – The Wrestler

All these years of people mocking him for looking like a giant freak; turns out he was just preparing for this role.

BEST MOVIE THAT IS FUNNY OR MUSICY
Burn After Reading
Happy-Go-Lucky
In Bruges
Mamma Mia!
Vicky Cristina Barcelona

So sexy.

BEST ACTRESS WHILE BEING FUNNY OR SINGING
Rebecca Hall – Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Sally Hawkins – Happy-Go-Lucky
Frances McDormand – Burn After Reading
Meryl Streep – Mamma Mia!
Emma Thompson – Last Chance Harvey

Oh... right... Sally Hawkins. She's... very good. I've liked her in all her roles, and there's no reason to ask me any specifics about who she is or if I've only just heard of her.

BEST ACTOR-COMEDIAN/SONG & DANCE MAN
Javier Bardem – Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Colin Farrell – In Bruges
James Franco – Pineapple Express
Brendan Gleeson – In Bruges
Dustin Hoffman – Last Chance Harvey

When will the Hollywood Foreign Press get brave enough to award a stoned role?

BEST ACTRESS WHO IS NOT THE LEAD
Amy Adams – Doubt
Penélope Cruz – Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Viola Davis – Doubt
Marisa Tomei – The Wrestler
Kate Winslet – The Reader

She was so great at hearing someone read.

BEST ACTOR--NOT THE PRIMARY ACTOR THOUGH
Tom Cruise – Tropic Thunder
Robert Downey Jr. – Tropic Thunder
Ralph Fiennes – The Duchess
Philip Seymour Hoffman – Doubt
Heath Ledger – The Dark Knight

Ohhhh, it's for DARK Knight. All this time I'd been thinking we'd been praising his work in Knight's TALE and I was like "what?"

BEST FILM MADE BY SENTIENT COMPUTERS
Bolt
Kung Fu Panda
WALL-E

Now that they mention it, I suppose WALL-E was, in fact, better than Bolt.

BEST MOVIE THAT REQUIRED READING SUBTITLES
The Baader Meinhof Complex (Germany)
Everlasting Moments (Sweden, Denmark)
Gomorrah (Italy)
I've Loved You So Long (France)
Waltz With Bashir (Israel)

Hard to say how I feel about this, not having seen all of these, but I will say Everlasting Moments sounds like the most romantic movie ever.

BEST AT DIRECTING
Danny Boyle – Slumdog Millionaire
Stephen Daldry – The Reader
David Fincher – The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button
Ron Howard – Frost/Nixon
Sam Mendes – Revolutionary Road

Good for D.B.

BEST THING WRITTEN TO BE PERFORMED ON FILM BY ACTORS
The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button - Written by Eric Roth
Doubt - Written by John Patrick Shanley
Frost/Nixon - Written by Peter Morgan
The Reader - Written by David Hare
Slumdog Millionaire - Written by Simon Beaufoy

Good for S.B.

BEST SCORE (NON-SEXUAL)
The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button - Composed by Alexandre Desplat
Changeling - Composed by Clint Eastwood
Defiance - Composed by James Newton Howard
Slumdog Millionaire - Composed by A. R. Rahman
Frost/Nixon - Composed by Hans Zimmer

Good For A.R.R.

BEST SONG (IN A MOVIE, BECAUSE THESE WOULD NEVER BE CONSIDERED BEST SONGS IN A BROADER SENSE)
"Down to Earth" - WALL-E
"Gran Torino" - Gran Torino
"I Thought I Lost You" - Bolt
"Once in a Lifetime" - Cadillac Records
"The Wrestler" - The Wrestler

After hearing this song again last night, I realized it's exactly the song I'd sing if you said, "Make up some song about a wrestler in the style of Bruce Springsteen." Why didn't Aronofsky come to me first? I'd have loved to win an... wait, this is the Golden Globes. I kept thinking this was the Oscars. Why are we still discussing this then?

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