New 'G.I. Joe' Trailer: Many Things Wrong Here

April 30, 2009

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G.I. Joe cartoons were, primarily, extended advertisements for toys. As a kid, you see this guy with a metal face riding in an awesome missile launcher, you want to play with those things, and you beg your parents until they buy them, and then you watch more of the cartoon so that you understand who should be firing what at who. Everyone but parents win. And I think that's a fine system. If the new G.I. Joe movie was a big commercial for new toys, I'd be alright with that.

But it's not. It's more like an infomercial for crappy, black Iron Man suits that let you dodge things Matrix style:

VIDEO REMOVED AT REQUEST OF Paramount Pictures Corporation

(Thanks, Jonah Ray.)

Classic Stephen Sommers. No substance, all poorly computer-generated lack of style.

Where are all the ridiculous vehicles and weapons? Pretty much all I saw was a modified Hummer and the underwater city from The Phantom Menace. They're missing the whole point of G.I. Joe. It's not about jumping around in Halo suits, Mummy director; it's about army guys who are really awesome army guys with really awesome weapons fighting absurd but similarly awesome, snake-themed assholes (and it's about toys, of course). Simple as that. Why all the mechanically super-enhanced heroes? This isn't The Six-Million Dollar Man. It's like making a Batman movie where he's just shooting everyone with a pistol. Aside from fighting ninjas, pretty much everything else I just saw here was off.

If you decide to watch the trailer again, I recommend pretending it's for a new Pink Panther movie. It works until around the 40-second point, when you need a shot of a sheepish Steve Martin standing beside a barrell of "Eiffel Tower Dissolving Solution" to continue the ruse.

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