Piranhas, Twilight Parodies, Sperm Comedy Await This Weekend

August 19, 2010


Here are just a few of the movie options that are available starting tomorrow. I'm not gonna lie to you: they aren't all that great.

Piranha 3-D
Director: Alexandre Aja
Starring: Elisabeth Shue, Jerry O'Connell, Adam Scott, Kelly Brook, Ving Rhames, Richard Dreyfuss, Christopher Lloyd, Three-Dimensional Piranhas, Three-Dimensional Breasts
Good if you want to see: a bunch of prehistoric piranhas biting the shit out of some people. In 3-D, naturally.

The Switch
Director: Josh Gordon, Will Speck
Starring: Jennifer Aniston, Jason Bateman, Jeff Goldblum?
Good if you want to see: Jason Bateman sneak his sperm into Jennifer Aniston, the description of which sounds funnier than it actually appears on screen.

Nanny McPhee Returns
Director: Susanna White
Starring: Emma Thompson, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Rhys Ifans
Good if you want to see: Nanny McPhee returning; Mary Poppins with a distractingly prominent tooth.

Vampires Suck
Director: Jason Friedberg, Aaron Seltzer
Starring: a bunch of people dressed up as Twilight characters, Ken Jeong
Good if you want to see: under no circumstances should you want to see anything in Vampires Suck.

Lottery Ticket
Director: Erik White
Starring: Bow Wow (né Lil'), Ice Cube, Brandon T. Jackson, Naturi Naughton
Good if you want to see: Bow Wow winning the lottery, thereby living the ultimate fantasy of being Bow Wow, winning the lottery.

Mao's Last Dancer (limited)
Director: Bruce Beresford
Starring: Bruce Greenwood, Kyle MacLachlan, Amanda Schull
Good if you want to see: the inspiring, based-on-a-true-story tale of ballet dancer Li Cunxin. Sorry, it isn't a thinly-veiled metaphor like Tom Petty's "Mary Jane's Last Dance."

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