'Abduction' Trailer: Meet the Teenage, Mouthbreathing Bourne

April 14, 2011


Ready for the least convincing delivery of the "not if I find you first" cliché ever recorded? Well, here it is, in the first starring vehicle for our supposed newest young action hero, Twilight werewolf Taylor Lautner.

Even when his participation in school athletics and partying paints him as an utterly textbook generic high schooler, teen heartthrob Taylor Lautner always knew there was something different about himself. Perhaps he was a little too good at wrestling... a little too good at partying. But it's only when his friend Lily Collins shows him a photo she noticed while casually perusing an online database of age-progressed kidnapped child photos--as teens will do--that he finally sees the truth: that kidnapped kid's age-progressed face looks just like HIS permanently dumbfounded face!

What a can of worms Phil Collins' daughter opens with that discovery! Before you know it, the kid's "parents" are murdered, some villains are involved, Sigourney Weaver and Alfred Molina are there, Lautner is constantly on the phone, and it's all so, so thrilling that all he can do is keep his mouth open and let the excitement filter in like a whale feeding on krill.

It's just like the film's central bad guy reminds us, "You wanna play with no rules, you better be careful whatcha let out da box." As the saying goes!

I feel bad for him, really. Whenever he gets off that motorcycle, he's going to be spitting out bug parts for an hour.

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