'Transformers: Dark of the Moon' Trailer: Robot Tentacles Rape Chicago

April 29, 2011


The Decepticons' hatred of the Chicagoland area being what it is, they've returned to finish the job in Transformers: Dark of the Moon, and they are so over all the "look, I'm a jet, whoops I'm a robot-guy" more-than-meets-the-eye stuff. Remember the giant robot blimp Transformers toy that had hundreds of missiles? Yeah, me neither, but if this trailer is any indication, that's apparently what someone--be it Decepticon or moon-bot--is using to attack us now, just really dusting the place with barely even the dignity to briefly drive around as a new-model GM car or truck. Have a look:

Boy, Earth is sure fucked, huh? Optimus is telling us this is our problem--even though he's the only living truck with arm swords--Tyrese has absolutely given in to our robot overlords, and, Jesus, who is this inconsolable collection of hair and lips that won't stop crying? Blow-up Doll, can you not see that Shia is trying to shout loud enough to somehow make sense of all this absolutely un-followable action and plot? God bless her midriff, I thought we'd be better off without Megan Fox, but now there's this sobbing human Pokemon? Who knew Michael Bay's main improvements to the series would be providing masturbation fodder for tentacle rape fanatics and dacryphiliacs who think Julianne Moore is too old.

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