Live-Action 'Captain Planet' Movie Will Save Our Filmmaking Environment

July 19, 2011

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Our world is once again in peril, and Don Murphy, a producer of the Transformers series, can no longer stand the terrible lack of live-action adaptations of heavy-handed, '90s environmental cartoons plaguing our planet. Thus, he, Cartoon Network, and producing partner Susan Montford of Angry Filmworks are combining their powers on a feature film adaptation of Captain Planet, with the hopes of passing on the Planeteer rings to a new generation of real-life ethnically-diverse teenagers that are a liiiiitle too preachy about being environmentally-conscious.

For those too young or old to recall, Captain Planet and the Planeteers centered on five kids given magic rings by a Whoopi Goldberg-voiced embodiment of Mother Earth so that they might use their young, ecological idealism and newfound jewelry powers to combat such punny enemies as Looten Plunder, Sly Sludge, Verminous Skumm, and other villainous polluters with seemingly no motivation out of dirtying things up. If said foes proved too much for the group of adolescents, the kids could combine their rings' elemental forces--earth, wind, water, fire, and the bullshit power of "heart," which was used mostly to talk to a monkey--into summoning Captain Planet, a flamboyant, lacquered man with a mullet. It was the kind of show everyone in your class watched but no one was really that excited about, though maybe you'd try to recycle a can you were going to throw out so that you wouldn't have to envision the disappointment in the Captain's glossy blue face.

Anyhow, the hope, Murphy explained, is to turn this ridiculous cartoon series into a feature film franchise that will now surely include Al Gore jokes. So, if the power truly is yours, now would a great time to exert it and stop this before it starts. Go planet.

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