'Odd Life of Timothy Green' Trailer: Disney Invents Cloying-Horror Genre

August 8, 2011

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Prepare to cheer, weep, and/or recoil in abject terror at what looks like the most uplifting, mawkish, terrifying movie of the year, Disney's The Odd Life of Timothy Green.

From what I can discern from the trailer, the film focuses on Joel Edgerton and Jennifer Garner, a small town couple that desperately wishes to have a child of their own but are unable to conceive despite so much sex. Doctors claim to have "explored every medical option" but the shift from 13 to 30 has left Garner's reproductive system in shambles, and adoption too is not an option for reasons unspecified. So the couple, like many of us, turn to alcohol in the hope of numbing pain felt by the barrenness of Mrs. Ben Affleck's echoing womb.

After the latest failed e.p.t., the two are grieving over a bottle of merlot when Edgerton comes up with a plan so drunkenly ill-conceived, so bizarrely occult-inspired in its catharsis, it just might work: what if they write down traits they would hope for in a dream child (optimism, artistry, "rock," a crude drawing of a heart, etc.), put those notes inside a wooden cigar box, and bury it in the garden? After all, couldn't hurt, right? That is, unless black magick causes that perfectly-described child to rise from the mud, so that he may fill the couple's hearts like he loosely fills out a giant t-shirt...

[UPDATE: embed fixed, for now.]

How inspiring! And not at all creepy how the kid does this dramatic pose like he's summoning the horrific dawn of Ragnarök. Just inspiring! Get in the car, Mom; let's go!

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