Walden Media Making Movie About Flattened Human Child

August 10, 2011

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Conserative Christian production company Walden Media, as part of their mission "to be entertaining, but also to be life affirming and to carry a moral message," will soon be teaching kids the moral that hanging shit near your sleeping quarters may literally flatten you with an adaptation of Flat Stanley, Jeff Brown's 1964 children's book about a boy smashed into two dimensions after his dad precariously hangs a massive bulletin board above the bed. Walden's plan is to shoot live-action and, using their best computers, flatten the lead into the 2-D form that allows him to do such wild activities as slip under doors and fly as a human kite while somehow remaining mercifully oblivious to the fact that his father's neglectful handiwork has left him a revolting, unlovable mutant. The above image of Clint Eastwood gripping a homemade Flat Stanley effigy between his withered fingers is in no way an indication the actor-cum-director will be involved in the project, but seeing it, it's hard not to think what a perfect match that would be. No one knows about living with harsh angles and papery flesh like Clint.

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