In Theaters This Weekend... (Not Necessarily in Your Theater, But They're Around)

September 1, 2011

shark-night-3d-trailer.jpg

New, dismal releases!

Shark Night 3D
Director: David R. Ellis
Starring: Sara Paxton, Chris Carmack, Dustin Milligan
Good if you want to see: three-dimensional sharks, but probably fewer three-dimension tits than you're hoping.

Apollo 18
Director: Gonzalo Lopez-Gallego
Starring: this movie is pretending to be too real to credit actors (seriously)
Good if you want to see: aliens or ghosts or something attacking some astronauts there trying to make the next Blair Witch Project. Bless you, ghostaliens, for stopping them.

A Good Old Fashioned Orgy
Director: Alex Gregory, Peter Huyck
Starring: Jason Sudeikis, Leslie Bibb, Tyler Labine, Lake Bell
Good if you want to see: the latest R-rated ephemeral Jason Sudeikis comedy. Or you can just wait until it's in a value box-set with Hall Pass and Horrible Bosses.

The Debt
Director: John Madden
Starring: Helen Mirren, Sam Worthington, Tom Wilkinson, Jessica Chastain
Good if you want to see: past Helen Mirren (Jessica Chastain) and modern-day Helen Mirren (Helen Mirren) investigating a Nazi war criminal (not Helen Mirren).

And if you live in certain places, also these:

I'm Glad My Mother Is Alive (limited)
Director: Claude Miller, Nathan Miller
Starring: Vincent Rottiers, Sophie Cattani, Christine Citti, Yves Verhoeven
Good if you want to see: a teen who was taken from his mother as a boy reuniting with his biological mom and forming a weird courtship relationship with her. Do not take your mother to this.

Detective Dee and the Mystery of the Phantom Flame (limited)
Director: Hark Tsui
Starring: Andy Lau, Carina Lau, Bingbing Li, Tony Leung Ka Fai
Good if you want to see: a detective story in which the detective also does martial arts shit with a magical bludgeoning weapon, which is probably better than any of Hercule Poirot's bullshit.

Gainsbourgh: A Heroic Life (limited)
Director: Joanna Sfar
Starring: Eric Elmosnino, Laetitia Casta, Lucy Gordon
Good if you want to see: a fantastical, exaggerated biopic on Serge Gainsbourg starring a guy who will make you say, "Fuck you, that IS Serge Gainsbourgh." But it isn't; it's Eric Elmsnino. So fuck YOU.

Seven Days in Utopia (limited)
Director: Matthew Dean Russell
Starring: Robert Duvall, Lucas Black, Melissa Leo
Good if you want to see: a golf drama with a nice Christian message--unlike that depraved Legend of Bagger Vance.

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