'Jack the Giant Killer' Trailer Takes Its Magic Beans Very Seriously

December 16, 2011


You'll never hear anyone talk about ridiculous magic beans in such hushed, solemn tones as in Bryan Singer's Jack the Giant Killer. "These are holy relics," claims a man with a bowl cut, referring to a handful of just beans. "They [the beans] have the power to change the world as we know it," he continues. You hear that? These aren't just some Mickey Mouse magic beans, such as the Mickey Mouse magic beans Mickey Mouse used to grow a vine that stretched into the world of giants: these are HOLY RELIC magic beans that will grow a vine that stretches into the world of giants. Way more serious. Thus, like Gremlins or testicles when one is first lowering oneself into a chilly pool, it is imperative that these world-changing beans be kept from getting wet, lest we be forced to suffer through an unsmiling action film about some giants attacking X-Men's Beast and Ewan McGregor:

So all the fantastical talk of beans, wetness, and princesses hoisted atop thick vines never even builds to a cautionary abstinence metaphor? Twilight, you have spoiled us so.

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