Mark Wahlberg, Queen Latifah, Jerry Orbach, and Other Former Rappers in Theaters

January 13, 2012

contraband-trailer.jpg

Your new releases:

Contraband
Director: Baltasar Kormákur
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Giovanni Ribisi, Kate Beckinsale
Good if you want to see: Mark Wahlberg tape things to himself, so that you will never know when he sneaks them past you under his t-shirt.

Joyful Noise
Director: Todd Graff
Starring: Queen Latifah, Dolly Parton,
Good if you want to see: the fierce, lifelong rivalry between Queen Latifah and Dolly Parton at last brought loudly to screens.

Beauty and the Beast 3D
Director: Gary Trousdale, Kirk Wise
Starring: Paige O'hara, Robby Benson, and remember how Angela Lansbury was the pot, and wow, Jerry Orbach was the candelabra?
Good if you want to see: Beauty and the Best, in 3D.

The Divide
Director: Xavier Gens
Starring: Michael Bieghn, Milo Ventimiglia, Rosanna Arquette
Good if you want to see: the pilot episode of Michael Biehn's Tales of the Post-Apocalypse.

And in limited release...

We Need To Talk About Kevin (limited)
Director: Lynne Ramsay
Starring: Tilda Swinton, Ezra Miller, John C. Reilly
Good if you want to see: a tale of a mother attempting to raise and care for what seems to be an innately evil child. If Rosemary's Baby didn't work, maybe this will discourage all your wife's nursery talk.

Don't Go in the Woods (limited)
Director: Vincent D'Onofrio
Starring: Bo Boddie, Jorgen Jorgensen, Matt Sbeglia, Gwynn Galitzer
Good if you want to see: the camping-kids-getting-slashed-up genre given a twist: now the campers are a band, so there's some music. Also, Vincent D'Onofrio is a director now?

Richard Garriott: Man on a Mission (limited)
Director: Mike Woolf
Starring: Richard Garriott (or Lord British, to Ultima fans)
Good if you want to see: the story of super-rich video game developer Richard Garriott's self-funded trip into space. But will he explain his dual Jedi ponytails?

Loosies (limited)
Director: Michael Correte
Starring: Peter Facinelli, Jaime Alexander, Michael Madsen
Good if you want to see: Twilight's vampire MD now playing a pickpocket having a kid and falling in love. Natural career progression.

Albatross (limited)
Director: Niall MacCormick
Starring: Sebastian Kochj, Felicity Jones, Julia Ormond, Jessica Brown-Findlay
Good if you want to see: what happens when a girl betrays her friendship with another girl by starting an affair with her father. The consequences are presumably less sexy than they end up being in pornography.

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