Han Never Shot First, Claims Fomenting George Lucas, as if It Even Matters Anymore

February 10, 2012


Faced with untold accusations of childhood rape, an increasingly defensive George Lucas has come up with a new but fairly standard defense against charges of improperly fiddling with his brainchild: outright denial. Speaking to The Hollywood Reporter, Lucas reminded Star Wars fans that his epic is "a movie, just a movie," then went on to negate a series of novelty tees by explaining, to the ire of any nerds who can still be bothered to care, that it's just a movie in which Han Solo at no point ever shot Greedo first. Ut!

From Lucas's tube head came the words:

"The controversy over who shot first, Greedo or Han Solo, in Episode IV, what I did was try to clean up the confusion, but obviously it upset people because they wanted Solo [who seemed to be the one who shot first in the original] to be a cold-blooded killer, but he actually isn't. It had been done in all close-ups and it was confusing about who did what to whom. I put a little wider shot in there that made it clear that Greedo is the one who shot first, but everyone wanted to think that Han shot first, because they wanted to think that he actually just gunned him down."

First off, Han Solo was the guy with the vest, and Greedo was this alien guy he shot under a booth, but then later George Lucas re-edited it such that Greedo somehow takes a point-blank shot and misses Han before getting shot, okay, Mom? It's from Star Wars, the movie with the beam swords.

Secondly, god, just shut up, George Lucas. I know that you really love selling more Star Wars things, and you think that riling people up will get them all buying more blu-rays and action figures to re-watch and re-enact various who-shot-first scenarios, but no. You're only pissing off your few remaining non-apathetic defenders, while the rest of us just become more assured in your mental illness, an affliction that will have you forever scrubbing Star Wars with CGI but seemingly never getting it fully clean. Go home. Go home to the ranch you named after Luke Skywalker and go admire Red Tails a few more times and go to bed. And when you awaken, if the first thing that comes to mind is Star Wars or anything that could be described as a "MacGuffin," call your best friend forever Steven and gush all about it, and then let your weary head rest upon your neck girth and shut up, because no one cares. You're supposed to be retired, remember?

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