New 'Battleship' Trailer Adds More CGIs to Boat-Transformer War

March 13, 2012


Having been given a few months to add more CGI shit since the last trailer, Universal and Hasbro have for us a new Battleship preview that has so much more CGI shit. Now we get a better look at these aliens and their ripped-from-a-first-person-shooter armor. We see the inner-workings of the alien weapon launcher--a CGI chamber filled with the same vertigo-inducing whirling shards, metal chains, and glowing balls that fill Michael Bay's scrotum. With rendering near completion on Brooklyn Decker's face, she ever-so-briefly expresses concern. Overall, the whole production is really coming together into something that very nearly resembles a movie. Have a look.

So, I'm figuring, after all the explosions and hollow, generically-cool-sounding pithy statements have quieted, we've got one of two endings:

1. John Carter realizes the aliens just wanted their buddy back. He returns the captive alien before quietly muttering "game over" for some reason. We thought Rihanna was dead, but she was just buried under some shit and has some soot on her. Oh, hey, Rihanna.

2. It turns out all these hostile acts of warfare are what equate to a rainy day afternoon of Battleship for the aliens. They don't understand that they're killing us. IT WAS ALL A BOARD GAME TO THEM.

Or the aliens just keep destroying our cities once they realize we're only going to use boats against them. What do you think?

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