Scarlett Johansson Won't Be Jiggling Around Next Iron Man, and More...

April 25, 2012

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- Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life writer Dean Georgaris has been hired to adapt Relativity Media's recently-acquired Stretch Armstrong property into "a plausible, action-oriented" film. Finally, we'll have a convincing, reasonable action film about a stretchable humanoid filled with gunk.

- Likewise, Paramount has hired the writers of The Smurfs to turn The Ringling Bros. circus into a film that will appease all those people who go to circuses and think, "Goddamn, this should be a movie! Written by the Smurfs guys, ideally!"

- What with Gwyneth Paltrow's "beefed-up presence" and Jessica Chastain's "sexy scientist," there was no more female dialogue left for Scarlett Johansson, so she won't be appearing in Iron Man 3. But she'll be there in spirit, probably crawling around on the floor, doing some kind of squatting lunge.

- With Carey Mulligan falling out due to scheduling, Rooney Mara is in final talks to join Spike Jonze's upcoming film about Joaquin Phoenix falling in love with a computer voice.

- Early reaction to The Hobbit's use of 48-frame-per-second filming is extremely mixed, ranging between "creaming in my pants" to "drenched in a TV-like -- specifically 70s era BBC -- video look." The only consensus is that the footage should definitely be disgustingly described in terms of moisture.

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