'Nymphomaniac' Cast Photo Highlights Genital Maintenance

May 17, 2013

nymphomaniac-cast.jpg

Featuring the film's main stars but, somehow, no visibly anguished women, here's the first full cast photo from the set of Lars von Trier's Nymphomaniac. The image was released yesterday as part of the film's Cannes presence; though it's not showing there (the director hasn't yet finished its second chapter), production company Zentropa has revealed that the film will open in von Trier's native Denmark on December 25, marrying the Wise Men's trek with Charlotte Gainsbourgh's journey of sexual awakening. Happy Christmas!

Now, since Lars von Trier's typically understated style may have you missing a few of the subtle details of his porn tableau, I'll go over some highlights.

- Shia LaBeouf is bad at hide-and-seek.

- Udo Kier staring up Uma Thurman's dress while jamming a coffee table leg into a melon. (Symbolism.)

- Mia Goth casually stomping on Stellan Skarsgård's crotch, when he was just trying to unwind on his plastic-covered couch.

- Willem Dafoe foolishly trying to carry coffee and dance while receiving a crotch-washing.

- Star Charlotte Gainsbourg, too, receiving a crotch-washing. Though hers is from Christian Slater, so probably a more expensive washing.

- Billy Elliott is going to have to clean all this up.

- Just a big ol' vat a' lube.

- A banana rising up from between two apples; a long cactus rising up from between two smaller, round cacti; a champagne bottle overflowing. Think about it. You have until at least Christmas.

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