'Jupiter Ascending' Trailer: The Wachowskis Made Another Convoluted Sci-Fi Thing

December 10, 2013


On the surface, it would seem the Wachowskis haven't strayed very far since their last feature effort, Cloud Atlas. Though you won't see such sundry Hanks here, with Jupiter Ascending, the filmmaking duo seems to have again taken an epic plot of human destinies, painted it in off-putting makeup and inventive visuals, and made it all just obtuse enough that this too will end up struggling at the box office.

The film stars Channing Tatum as the perfect hunting machine: Douche-Bag King of the Elves. Like many a bro, he's been hoping to get with Mila Kunis for quite a while now, and he finally gets his chance when he manages to hunt her down and save her from some kind of evil surgeon. From there, the film's plot get kind of muddled: Kunis is some kind of universal royalty, and there's a vaginal energy shield, a couple cartwheel kicks, and, of course, some Wachowski-beloved gunfire. But, in fairness, despite it being two minutes long, this trailer has just been labeled a teaser. Maybe they're waiting for the full trailer to fully reveal the deep mythology veiled behind Channing Tatum's yellow goatee.

As outlined back in May, here's a summary of what the plot is supposed to actually involve:

It seems that Jupiter Ascending will confirm what the neurotic have always dreaded: that someone is watching everything we do, and laughing at how stupid are. In this case, the watchers are a higher form of life--super-evolved beings from outer space--that look down upon man with the same sort of pity and disdain we'd give a caveman who wasn't as charming as Brendan Fraser.

In their routine watching of Earth, they discover a Ukrainian immigrant--played by Mila Kunis--cleaning toilets. While the puny brain of man would see such wasted exotic beauty and only bother elevating it to maybe a mediocre sitcom and a Justin Timberlake romantic-comedy, these higher beings recognize something more: THE PERFECT GENETIC MAKE-UP.

As it turns out, it's the same genetic make-up as The Queen of the Universe (in the evolved alien world, this is apparently an official title, not just a sarcastic name bestowed upon entitled bitches). This makes The Queen of the Universe feel threatened, so she sends out a bounty hunter (Tatum) to dispatch the young beauty; that guy ends up falling for the girl, and protects her from the Queen's armies. Also, those armies are composed of wolf-man hybrids, because these aliens are all human-like but bred with animals to get the best traits for their vocation, such that soldiers are given the fierceness and pack loyalty of wolves, workers are given the industriousness and Seinfeldian comic observations of bees, and so on.

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