'Jurassic World' Trailer: Welp, We Went Too Far with Dinosaur Cloning Again

November 25, 2014


Though the Jurassic World trailer wasn't scheduled to premiere until Thursday, Universal has apparently decided to give us all an early, "Happy Thanksgiving; also, please don't play God," because here it is.

In the film, the lesson learned in Jurassic Parks 1-3 have been completed abandoned in favor of expanding the "park" into a full-blown luxury "world" just begging for a lawsuit. Massive cruise ships and high-speed monorails shuttle guests around the prehistoric island; open-air off-road vehicles and automated human hamster balls drive visitors right alongside the massive dinosaurs; an up-close SeaWorld-like performance sees an enormous fish-like beast lunge from the water to devour a great white shark, awing guests with a powerful visual metaphor for how the director of Jaws didn't do anything this big and stupid. From a pool of Wayne Knight's blood has risen a monumental achievement in science, engineering, and DinoPark Tycoon realization.

Unfortunately, as is the running theme of Jurassic Park (besides the running theme of actual running), the scientists have gone too far. MAN HAS MADE A DINOSAUR THAT'S TOO AWESOME. It's some kind of dangerous hybrid that has, of course, escaped. Thankfully, MAN HAS ALSO MADE A MAN THAT'S TOO AWESOME. It's Chris Pratt. He rides a motorcycle alongside Velociraptors like they're the coolest gang ever.

I hope that when they finally reveal the hybrid dinosaur, it has, like, the mouth of a T-rex, the head crest of a Triceratops, the armored shell of an Ankylosaurus, and the spiked tail of a Stegosaurus. Because then they owe me money, because I totally designed that when I was eight.

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