Violence, Vomit Erupts in Most Entertaining Screening of 'Fifty Shades of Grey'

February 17, 2015


A man was violently attacked, aisles were doused in puke, and some people ended up in jail in the screening of Fifty Shades of Grey that most embodied our sentiments for the series.

According to The Telegraph, the incident occurred in Glasgow's Grosvenor cinema on Valentine's Day. Witnesses claim it began when a man "asked women to quieten down because they were spoiling the film." Not everyone has read the books yet, you know?

Accounts differ as to what happened next. Some theatergoers claim that the women--described as "drunk," "rowdy," and "worse for wear"--then stabbed the man with a broken glass (this particular theater serves drinks, and is clearly very liberal with its cut-off policy). Police, however, say that the involvement of glass is the stuff of fiction, based on a screening of the stuff of fan fiction, based on Twilight.

Either way, three women were arrested for the attack--one erotically shackled, the others in tears, said Glasglow's Michael Bolton, who like the Office Space guy, is not the singer.

But tears were not the only bodily fluids left in the theater. And no, that is not a joke about vaginal secretions. Bolton further claimed, "The guys at the cinema were tidying up the blood before going in," adding, "There were also several incredibly drunk women vomiting in the aisle and corridor."

Still, ever perseverant in the ruddy face of wasted people, Glasgow did not let puke nor drunken brawls put a damper on a romantic evening. As a spokesperson for the Grosvenor boasted, "We welcomed nearly 2000 customers over the weekend, including four further showings on Saturday night which passed without incident." A success, then!

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