Orlando Bloom Joins Most Clumsily-Titled Thriller Since 'Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever'

June 17, 2016

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Get ready for Orlando Bloom's big return to leading man status, because he's just signed on to produce and star in S.M.A.R.T. Chase: Fire & Earth. It's a movie. No, I know it sounds like a short-lived '80s cartoon created to sell an accompanying series of toys. Or a poorly-received concept album from lesser members of Earth, Wind & Fire. Or Chase's most misguided attempt at a youth-oriented credit card. But it's a movie.

Though there is a reason it also sounds like a poor Chinese translation of a better action film. It's a co-production with the Shanghai-based Bliss Media, which has partnered with Bloom to form the portmanteau company "BlissBloom Productions" and steal that name from a porn studio.

The movie, which of course will be shot in Shanghai, will reportedly see Bloom play "a washed-up private security agent," because that is a classic archetype. "You been outta da private security game too long," other private security guy will say.

Bloom's past-his-prime private security agent will, like so many washed-up private security agents pray for, get a chance at a private security agent redemption arc when he's "given the rare opportunity to escort a valuable Chinese antique." Unfortunately, he's ambushed during the job, and this puts "the safety of the women he loves in jeopardy." Yes, Orlando Bloom's harem may be at risk here.

Don't worry, though, because Orlando Bloom will "work with his team of security experts, the S.M.A.R.T., to save her, as a dreadful conspiracy begins to unravel." So that's where the "S.M.A.R.T." part in the title comes from! It's just the rest that's fucking nonsense.

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