April 03, 2006
Shown with Ice Age 2 and on Fox last night, a teaser for the currently in-production The Simpsons movie revealed that the release date for the film is July 27, 2007. Who's not excited about this one, eh? I just wish they'd made this a decade ago, when the show was in its prime, instead of now, when I'm ten years older. Man, back then I was really something. Getting pussy every night, rolling in money, crazy on drugs, and the pussy. Now I'm living mostly in the stock room of a Circuit City, and the only pussy I get is in the medical illustrations I secretly cut out of some teenager's anatomy textbook. If this movie doesn't cheer me up, I'll probably end up making a half-hearted attempt at killing myself, just for the attention.
An Internet exclusive trailer for Clerks 2 has gone up on the official site, showing a lot more of the movie than the teaser. As much as I think Kevin Smith needs to move beyond his little nerdy, self-referential world, I have to give him credit where credit is due: nice job with the boobs. The trailer gives us Rosario Dawson dancing around in a tank top, then some other lady in a sheer bra lifting her shirt. It amounts to about the same sexual content as a Sears catalog, but in motion-- a concept I've been asking for as a movie for years, so who am I to complain?
And is it just me, or has age turned Dante into David Brent?
Asia is ahead of us in so many areas. For example: mathematics, video games, and snake aviation movies. While America gets all all up-in-arms for a movie about some snakes on a plane, in Thailand they've got this giant fucking boa taking down a helicopter by crushing it. How embarrassing for us.
See the other poster, where a snake eats a woman whole, after the jump.
Peter Dinklage, the small star of The Station Agent, has been named as the villain in the big screen adaptation of the 1960's cartoon Underdog:
Peter Dinklage has signed on to play the bad guy in Walt Disney Pictures and Spyglass Entertainment's Underdog, reports Variety. The live-action version of the popular kids cartoon starts shooting April 10 in Rhode Island under the direction of Frederik Du Chau. Dinklage will portray Simon Barsinister, an evil scientist who once created a Big Dipper Machine in an effort to steal the world's water supply.
When I first read that Dinklage was going to star, I just assumed they'd throw him in a dog suit and make him play Underdog himself. Now that I've seen he'll be playing an actual person, I'm a little disappointed. They'll probably just use CG or an "Air Bud" to play the titular role, and that's a mistake. Using either of those isn't going to give you the raw emotions you'd get in a dwarf. Of course, a dwarf won't give you the raw emotions of a normal human either. Just as normies, in turn, would give less intense emotions than a giant. That's just the way acting works, and is why those with gigantism are going to continue sweeping the awards ceremonies until we do something to stop them.
I normally don't approve of alien autopsies. It's my firm belief that we shouldn't concern ourselves with the cause of death of an alien, only that they are actually dead, and not just waiting to jump up and scare us. However, I'm willing to make an exception after seeing the trailer for Alien Autopsy, which takes a new spin on the idea, and honestly looks pretty funny. The film tells the comedic story of the two friends that invented and executed the fake alien autopsy footage that became a media sensation and a television special on Fox in 1995. You may remember it best by its host: one Mr. Jonathan Frakes. That's right, I'm talking Riker, mo-fo's.
After this, someone should make a movie about how they made the Paris Hilton sex tape, because I'd like to see how that all went down, too. Though I imagine it would probably just be a twenty-minute short where she's bought four shots and told she doesn't look that much like a bird.
Someone pointed out that aside from the impressive images of corpses, trees, and beekeeper gunmen, the trailer for Terry Gilliam's Tideland is available as well on the official site. From viewing it, the film looks completely strange, creepy, and and awe-inspiring--all the things that typically make Gilliam's movies so great. It seems even after the mediocrity of The Brothers Grimm, the great filmmaker we knew has returned. It feels like when my father finally returned home after having been gone for 12 years, no one knows where. Only, I hope, unlike my father, Gilliam won't just grab his leather "Taz" jacket and leave before I can get down the stairs to see him.